I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I just forget.
In many ways, being in social work school has not broadened my worldview. It’s had the opposite effect. I have become more introspective, critical of the decisions I’ve made and rue the apologies I can never make. Thus, I’ve been struggling over the past several months to navigate grief and regret I thought I’d sidestepped. This was the shape I was in when I stepped off the plane in Mumbai during the wee hours of the morning nearly three weeks ago.
Unfortunately, being here in India most days did little to lift me out of my emotional malaise. More introspection. More questions. I try to hang on to the notion that the universe is benevolent, but my experience in India has challenged this flimsy, perhaps naïve grasp of spirituality. The constant and vivid montage of poverty, filth, oppression; the parade of sick, injured, and stray people and animals makes me wonder why, if there is a god, it would allow such suffering. And why was I chosen by whatever divine act of providence to live in the United States, swathed in luxury, opportunity, and relative equality? What did I do to deserve it?
It doesn’t make sense to me. I have often found myself wrangling with pangs of guilt. Guilt over my big, comfortable, quasi-single-occupancy king-sized bed. Guilt over all the good food I waste. Guilt over the clean water that swirls down the drain. Guilt over TP and a toilet that flushes. My life is so abundant, and I don’t even know it. Paucity? I have no concept of it. I have been less inspired by the sights, sounds, and smells of India, and exceedingly troubled by my already guilt-laden, self-serving conscience.
And then I came to a realization, thanks to Deepa’s profound words in Pune. Instead of allowing my feelings of guilt, shame, and impotence to immobilize me, I should embrace these internal conflicts and allow them to inform my relationships with others and my personal approach to social work practice.
I have heard the word “unity” mentioned frequently during our time in India. It’s an overarching theme of Hinduism that reminds me we’re all in this together. I may pity someone who, despite his or her tangibly scant circumstances, is actually more self-actualized than me, a privileged white girl whose needs are comfortably met and exceeded.
I always refer back to Maslow’s hierarchy. The truth is, if everyone is struggling to lay the foundation of the pyramid—securing basic biological and physiological needs—who would be available to help? On the flip side, if we’re all self-actualized then what’s left? What would be the purpose of life?
This experience in India has shown me that unity supersedes survival. One doesn’t have to be fully self-actualized to transcend his or her environment and circumstances to be of service to their fellows. Unity seems to be a more powerful motivator than the human need to secure the basic necessities. Togetherness here in India is a way of life.
We met people who don’t even have a decent roof over their heads, clean drinking water, plentiful, healthy food, a comfortable sleeping space, and a safe place to live. Even so, they are banding together to help each other attain these things, and so much more.
Dear Felicia,
ReplyDeleteI loved reading your blog post. Instead of filling the pages with empty writing and descriptions, you really have all of us readers a view into your head. Further more, I was really connecting to your idea of guilt and what we have and don't have. I think it is absolutely necessary to focus on the idea of unity as opposed to lack of material comfort or resources . As we saw, Indians have a high resilience and still manage to offer us anything even a smile when we think they have so little left. We need to focus on banding together (as you said) and spreading that message instead!
I'm with Karen on this one. A great -and personal- look at the guilt of privilege. Guilt has always seemed to me essentially solipsistic: The offending action or condition inevitably focuses on the (perceived) perpetrator rather than addressing the action or condition in question. It’s easy to feel bad about something, but quite another to do something about it. One of the TISS students told me that he wanted to change the world because he was a part of it; by helping someone else he was really helping himself. There’s a guy at Wharton who’s more or less proven the same thing: We feel better when we help others rather than focusing on ourselves.
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